Lunch: Half a bowl of leek and potato soup, and most of a ham and cheese panini (same restaurant as yesterday).
Snack: Snack-a-Jacks (a 25g pack of rice and corn snacks...they're like mini-rice cakes).
Dinner: Two field mushrooms, stuffed with goat cheese and baked, atop a mixed leaf salad dressed with a home-made cranberry and balsamic vinaigrette, and some home-made potato wedges.
Exercise: None.
Emotionally today has been a complete and utter nightmare from start to finish. I am calming down now, but I have spent the whole day with an overwhelming and all-consuming urge to binge. Everything around me suddenly became grey and bleak. I tried to think things through rationally, I talked it over with my husband, I ranted, raved and even cried at one point. As my dad might say, I was like a bear with a sore head. I took a nap. I went for a drive. I argued with myself. I am thoroughly exhausted at the end of it all. It has truly been terrible. Whenever I've approached this place in the past, I've calmed the screaming within by stuffing it down with excesses of food. Not so today and fucking hell did it hurt!
On days like today I am reminded why I go to group therapy at an eating distress clinic. Sometimes, I feel like I shouldn't be there. Today, I would have given my right arm to speak to Marie (therapist). The husband unit was almost as good though...he said the thing that I most needed to hear to start simmering down out of this insane, internal tantrum. "You know, giving in to the ED will feel good for a moment, but ultimately, it will kill you."
He's right. Shit fuck fuck!
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