neeeeeeew shoooooooooes?

I feel too distracted for a proper update. It was a good day emotionally, but I ate an extra portion after dinner without thinking about it! It was leftover chicken and I ate it while cleaning up. That kind of mindless eating is never good. :( I think I'm feeling a little anxious about my interview tomorrow.

I started writing this update at home...but now I'm in my friend's house, babysitting her children, while my husband and her husband have gone to rescue her and her clapped-out car somewhere on the road back from Galway. Fun times! The boys are sleeping (or very nearly) so I'm just sitting downstairs doing a little research for tomorrow.

I got my new runners today: so far they are very comfy. Time will tell though. Here is a picture (although mine are black, not blue).




Also, I got accepted to do a Higher Diploma in Theology starting in September, which I'm quite pleased about.

So as I said, emotionally I've done well. I was with friends all day which does help somewhat. I walked for about an hour, although with the presence of a particular toddler the pace was somewhat hampered. :) Since dinner I have been alone, and I've been grateful for this time, as it's been a very busy week, but I am also a little plagued with the desire to eat. Especially here, late at night, in my friend's house. I had small plans for a hot bath and choosing the right outfit for tomorrow but it's not going to happen and so I want to eat instead. How will eating improve how I feel tomorrow? How will eating help me to feel less tired or stressed? It won't. Plus, I already ate too much today.

Breakfast: 1 rasher, 1 egg, half a bagel, tea.
Snack: 100g blueberries, 2 tablespoons of natural yoghurt.
Lunch: Leftover turkey meatballs with 40g of pasta and some watermelon.
Dinner: Roast chicken with squash, broccoli, sugar snap peas, potatoes and gravy, with fruit salad for dessert (honeydew melon, watermelon, blackcurrants, blackberries and raspberries).
Snack: Mindlessly chomped chicken leg.

I definitely got in my five fruit and veg today!

Tomorrow night we are eating out at a family event. I already know in advance that it's a set four-course menu. I am trying not to be strange about it, or to think about it a lot. Without doubt I'm going to eat more than I would normally tomorrow night (well, more than usual for my "new-normal"). I need to try not to go into binge-mode. I think I'll stay off the alcohol and try to avoid the baskets of bread, and also try to stop eating when I'm full. At least one positive change is that I am not focusing on it as a motivational goal-post; I'm not thinking to myself, "I can resist this chocolate now because I know I can eat loads on Thursday night." Seriously, that is what Weight Watchers did to me. I lived for "treat-days". How broken!

I guess that was a proper update after all. Just goes to show you I haven't a clue what I'm talking about most of the time!

Just back from group therapy. Again, I am tired and a little raw. I managed to contribute tonight, instead of just blubbering (although some blubbering may or may not have taken place). Again it is too soon for me to reflect on it, but it was generally helpful (although tonight's therapist was dramatically different than last week's, and I definitely did not feel the same kind of connection or even safety with her as I did with Marie).

Food today:

Breakfast: Banana chocolate oats (by "chocolate" I mean that I added a teaspoon of cocoa powder to my oats, milk and mashed banana - delicious).

Lunch: Chicken caesar bagel with rocket and red peppers (I seem to be eating rather a lot of these lately).

Dinner: Turkey meatballs in rich tomato sauce, with 40g spaghetti.

Snacks: None.

Emotions: Quite good, although ironically, because group therapy makes a lot of emotions rise to the surface, I'd be tempted to comfort-eat right now...

recap

Well, as you'll have seen, I left the house in foul form today. Perhaps it was just "Monday blues," although why an unemployed person would have those is beyond me. Perhaps it was the terrible weather. Perhaps it was the annoying and unsettling phone conversation I had before I went to bed. Perhaps it was the poop in my shoes. We shall never know.

Anyway, I forced myself out into the rain and went to band practice, which all in all, was fairly productive. There was a good bit of random thrashing about playing chunks of favourite songs and howling along, but we did some fruitful work too, with the foundation laid for two new songs. Soon we will conquer the world with our mediocre tunes and charmingly scruffy appeal.

I cheered up as the day went on, although I didn't get to have lunch. I had grabbed some fruit, yoghurt and nuts on the way out the door, but forgot a spoon, and the spoons in the practice rooms were too foul to consider putting in my mouth. (The toilets there are so dirty that every week I hold in my pee for over five hours so that I won't need to go in there.) I didn't get to eat my fruit and yoghurt until about 5.15pm. After practice I went to a friend's house for dinner, and then out for coffee. By the time we were sitting in Starbucks chugging down soy lattes I was feeling much brighter. By the time I got in the door tonight I was positively chipper. (Mmm, chipper.) The day has been redeemed.

Food:

Breakfast: 1 boiled egg, two small slices of toast, tea.

Lunch(ish): 1 banana, 20 raw cashews, 100g of blueberries and 2 tablespoons of natural yoghurt.

Snack: Apple.

Dinner: Shredded chicken with a delicious home-made relish, with broccoli and carrots, and 2 tablespoons of brown rice.

Snacks: 2 soy lattes.

The lattes probably raised my calorie intake a little higher than is optimum, but they were worth it. Group therapy tomorrow. S'long twigs!

bah

I have woken up under a dark cloud. I know it's going to be a difficult day as it's only midday and already I really, really want to eat, and lots of it.

I'm leaving now for a five hour band practice. Hopefully that will take my mind off things.

Scale says: 254.8

borborygm!

Breakfast: Bagel with ham and cheese on one half, and blackcurrant jam on the other. Tea.

Lunch: 6 chicken tenders, a few onion rings and half a portion of chips. 1 glass of Coke.

Dinner: Organic prawn stir-fry with bok choy, sugar snap peas, onion, babycorn, chilli, ginger and 1 tablespoon of basmati rice (really delicious).

Today was absolutely emotionally stable. No food concerns whatsoever. However you'll notice a fast food lunch up there; maybe that was why?? Don't panic: lunch was a "planned indulgence," not a binge or impulse eat. We took our friends' kids out for the day and went to Eddie Rockets for lunch followed by the cinema. This was a lot of fun: they are two fantastic girls. The cinema is a real trigger for me usually - I find it difficult to enjoy the experience without a bag of pic'n'mix or a box of popcorn on my lap. However today I didn't really think about it and had no cravings. Another little victory, whoo!

We weren't hungry this evening but decided to eat anyway, as we'd had no vegetables at all, and also because we didn't want to end up insatiably hungry all day tomorrow. It was the right decision as I am actually a little peckish at the moment and if I hadn't had dinner I could well be stuffing my face with mounds of toast and butter right now.

I have nothing exciting or humorous whatsoever to say today. I guess that's what contentment does to ya! G'nite thinsies.

little win

Well, despite how much I enjoyed spending the evening with our church's teenagers (Articulate, Mafia, Would-You-Rather...?, flashlight tag, Coraline) the food part was extremely difficult. As you know, I arrived loaded with fresh fruits. However, the others came loaded with home-made cookies, fifteens, Pringles, Malteaser cake, marshmallows, jellies...and the rest. It was a complete stimulus overload. We laid the food out so that the healthy food sat at one end of the table and the junk at the other, and I kept myself firmly on one side of the room. I had told myself in advance that if I wanted a treat it wasn't forbidden. However I felt when confronted with such vast quantities of sweets that I couldn't choose sensibly what one treat might be. I kept putting off that choice until eventually it was 3a.m. and we were heading for bed. Interestingly, the kids devoured the fresh fruit - in particular the mandarins, strawberries and melon. I really hadn't brought enough. I'm not sure they would have particularly noticed if the table wasn't laden with junk. As a teenager, I certainly would have noticed, but then in my mind the best thing to look forward to about such an event would probably have been the food.

There were about thirty minutes at the sleepover of genuine existential angst about the food. I don't know if you've ever experienced such a thing. It's like a despairing torment; a sense of being unable to be happy and unable to cope with being unhappy - as though (as Tim Keller talks about) we do not fit right with the reality around us. I texted the husband unit to explain how insane I was feeling and he prayed for me. I distracted myself by leading a complicated game and although the urge to binge lingered until the moment I fell asleep, it was a little easier.

I, a chronic insomniac, woke in the morning to discover that I had slept for six hours through general chatter and noise, and now felt alert and refreshed. We set about cooking breakfast for the kids. The leftovers had all been tidied into tins and tupperware and were sitting on the kitchen counter-top. I was unaware of them. Breakfast was pancakes and bacon. I knew a pancake or two would not sustain me for the day, so I nicked a couple of eggs and made myself a slightly more nutritious breakfast. The treats were invisible to me and I felt bright as a button. I enjoyed the last few hours with the kids, and headed home to relax for the day. In some ways this felt like a small victory - not because I had avoided junk food...but because I had eventually come to terms with not eating it.

I took a two hour afternoon nap today. It was so silent and restful and our room was filled with a golden light. We've just had dinner and are planning a nostalgia-movie evening - he has picked Jurassic Park, and I've gone for High Fidelity (will attempt to keep the Cusack-drooling to a minimum).

Breakfast: 2 eggs, 1 slice bacon, 1 slice brown toast, tea.

Snack: 2 mandarins

Lunch: Half a bowl of banana pumpkin oats with 1tsp peanut butter (I couldn't finish it!)

Dinner: Striploin steak with onions, mushrooms, home-made potato wedges and pepper sauce. Half a can of Bulmers.

No exercise at all. Will have to get my blimpy butt out and about tomorrow for a bit of fresh air. Thanks for reading, waifs!

quickie

Hello thin people, or Thinsies as I like to think of you.

I'm in a hurry, as I've promised the husband-unit that he can have a precious hour or so with me before I abandon him tonight for the joys of our church teen sleepover. Food so far has been carb-tastic with few fruits and vegetables:

Breakfast: Bagel with ham and cheese.

Lunch: Vegetable soup with half a chicken and brie panini (we were at a restaurant).

Dinner: (Not yet eaten) Leftovers from yesterday - more bolognese.

Snacks: None so far, but I've packed a bag with blueberries, strawberries, grapes, cheese and melon to take with me to tonight, to give both me and the kids a healthy option apart from all of the crisps and sweets.

Emotions: Stable, but a binge-craving did rise between 11.30 and 12.30.

In the vein of giving myself kudos, I'd like to announce all of today's positive achievements:

(1) Got up on time to have breakfast and prayer with that guy, whatshisname.

(2) Made it to the church prayer meeting at 8 a.m.

(3) Had a phone interview for a job working with children on the autism spectrum, and secured a face to face interview for Thursday of next week.

(4) Completed the application form (finally) for the H.Dip. in Theology that I am hoping to begin next September (it's an evening course).

(5) Had lunch with my friend's parents who are here from the U.S. for a few days.

(6) Left my newly inherited bicycle into the bike repair shop for a full service and to have a new saddle fitted. Whoo! Soon I will be able to ride away into the horizon, getting smaller and smaller as I disappear into the sunset, and you all look on, waving handkerchiefs and crying.

(7) Purchased many delicious things for later (as listed above).

(8) Wrote a blog entry (I'm presuming I'll manage to finish this one).

*gives self standing ovation*

The sun is shining but there wasn't time to get in a good walk. I think I'll pack the football and the frisbee and see if I can tempt any of the teenagers to have a game for the last hour or so of daylight this evening; our venue for the sleepover is a beautiful country home with lots of space outside.

I think I feel really good for the first time in a while. Having had time to reflect on the group therapy a little more, going again next week seems like a less scary prospect. I expect I'll be a little emotional again, and it's going to take some time before I can talk about the eating distress without being upset, but I want to go back.

One of the things our group therapist said on Tuesday (and she maintains this in her book, too) is that eating distress begins long before the symptoms (obsessing, starving, dieting, binging and purging) appear. At first I thought she was completely wrong, and imagined that my binging problem developed out of indulgent eating habits. Then, out of the blue, a series of suppressed childhood memories surfaced of me as a seven or eight year old (skinny, I might add) hiding biscuits in my bedroom to eat later when nobody was around. So I guess she's right.

Anyway, that, and many other things that she said, have given me FOOD for thought. Something CHEW on. Hahahahahahahaha! *collapses from pun hysteria*

shoes blues

Breakfast: 2 boiled eggs, 2 small slices toast, tea.

Dinner: Pasta bolognese. 40g wholewheat penne with bolognese made from lean beef, onions, garlic, grated carrot, green and red peppers, mushrooms, tomatoes and fresh herbs.

Snack: 1 tangerine, 1 Cox's apple.

Evening meal: Banana oats with 1 tsp peanut butter.

Emotions: Fairly stable, but the urge to binge has been present all day.

I had a stroll in the Phoenix Park for an hour or so in today's lovely sunshine. Despite our leisurely pace, my dogs are really barking now (for any of the non-English speakers reading...that means my feet are sore :p). The problem is my shoes. I, being a fancy rich westerner, have three pairs of runners - my Sketchers, which I wear day to day with jeans, my pair of Clarkes women's sporties and then my actual running shoes, which are made by Asics. They're all fine for about ten minutes, and then become terribly uncomfortable in various ways. I purchased them over the course of a year one after another in the hope of finding a really comfy pair. The husband unit swears by New Balance, so he ordered me a pair in my size from Ebay for a knock-down price tonight, wahoo! Hopefully that will be the end of my shoe-misery.

I'm renewing my membership to the gym tomorrow. Soon I will have the joy of enthusiastically wobbling, red-faced and panting, next to partially naked lycra-clad Adonis-style athletes, completing half as much as they do in three times the time! Ah to be honest I don't really care about that. I do enjoy the gym, when I can drag myself off the couch to get there. I'm a bit of a grumbling old bag at the gym though: I like to listen to my own very specific playlist and hate when the gym radio is playing too loudly. I also hate bad gym manners: wipe your sweat off the machines you stinky gits!

official weigh-day

The loss for this week is a satisfying six pounds. The scale reads 257. There will probably never be a week where that kind of loss happens again, but it's a nice way to start the process.

Me and the husband had prayer and breakfast together as usual this morning. He made eggs. One of my prayers today was that I could begin to learn to live each day one at a time. Let me give you an example of how a mind obsessed with food works.

Husband-Unit bought me a little Easter egg last weekend. It's sitting tucked away in a room we don't use much, with my drum-kit and the Christmas decorations. Every now and then my mind wanders to it. Now, you may think it's normal to crave a bit of chocolate when it's in the house, but this is different. It's not that I'm dying to eat it now (sort of). The problem is that I know we are going to eat our eggs on Easter Sunday, and that's where my mind keeps wandering. I keep having small, pathetic fantasies where I fast forward to Easter Sunday, have a cup of tea, put on a great movie and enjoy my egg. Someone save me from myself!

That little fantasy probably takes up a few minutes of every day. I suppose it is because I associate foods like chocolate with complete happiness...even though experience (and rationale ffs) tells me that this is not true.

So today I prayed that these frequent and bizarre little food fantasies would evaporate, so that I can enjoy today and everything that today entails, and not be stuck in some ridiculous limbo where I wait for the Nirvana of an Easter egg that will inevitably fail to fulfill me...

Ah, being insane is difficult at times. Still, the music's not bad.

felicitations to me

Greetings, skinny earthlings.

Today my desire to overeat whirred in the background like a white noise cd, without ever quite reaching full volume. It did cross my mind at one point when I was passing a shop to go in and get a bar of chocolate (no-one would know...one bar won't affect your weight...and other assorted lies), but then I thought about confessing that here. And then I thought about lying about it here. Neither option seemed like a good one, so I opted out of the chocolate.

I walked for a couple of hours again today. The sun was shining, the sky was blue(ish) and my companion was a cheery twenty-month old full of chatter and observations about everything we saw.

I ate a bit more than I wanted to today.

Breakfast: Spiced pumpkin oats, again. (My squash stash is gone now, so that'll be the last one for a while.)

Snack I: This is the problem bit. Breakfast was at 8am, but by 11am I was quite hungry (genuine hunger today rather than emotional hunger). I was heading out for a long walk and I knew it would be a couple of hours til lunch, so I ate a slice of seeded bread with a some ham and a slice of cheese. It filled the gap but it was more like a meal than a snack.

Lunch: Chicken caesar bagel with rocket and red peppers.

Snack II: A tangerine.

Dinner: We had friends over, so I made pizza, pasta and salad. I usually avoid such meals when I am "on a diet" but I really desire to be balanced, and these foods fit perfectly well in a balanced diet, in moderation. I made three pizzas - chorizo and sweetcorn, ham and mushroom and a loaded one with all of the above, plus green peppers. I made pesto pasta and a creamy tomato pasta. I ate two slices of pizza, 1 tablespoon each of the pastas, and a large mixed salad. It was great.

I knew I would be tempted to binge on the pizza tonight, so it was a bit of a test. The test was less about the quantity I ate and more about my emotions surrounding the meal. I did a little stimulus control, placing the pizza on the counter behind me buffet style so you'd have to get up to get more food. This was helpful. I was really content with the amount I ate and have decided to give myself credit for a little victory. Well done me.

Yes, that's right, I am now a saddo who will now regularly congratulate myself for the smallest things. Seriously. So get used to it waifs! *waves fist threateningly*

account

So yesterday I ate:

Breakfast: Spicy pumpkin oats with 1tsp peanut butter. Strawberry tea.

Lunch: Chicken caesar bagel with rocket and red peppers.

Snack I: 2 tiny mandarins.

Dinner: 2 pork and apple sausages with mashed potato, onion gravy, tenderstem broccoli and steamed carrots.

Snack II: 1 cup hot milk (semi-skimmed) with 1 teaspoon drinking chocolate.

I visited my GP for a chat about everything. I wanted her to know what I am doing. She took my blood pressure (which was very good) and weighed me. I plan to return to her in six months (or sooner if I get sick in between) for an update. She was extremely supportive.

I walked for two hours and had a kinesiology appointment, which although interesting and relaxing, I don't think is for me. :)

Then I went to group therapy and I don't think I have processed that time sufficiently to really talk about it yet. It was an extremely raw experience sitting in that room.

I will say one thing though. I was expecting a lot of skeletons and/or hideously obese people who universally looked terrible and seemed miserable. This is not what I encountered. The age-profile of the group ranged from about 20-35, with perhaps one person over 40. They were all women and without exception, they were beautiful and well-dressed. If accents are anything to go by, the socio-economic range of the group was fairly wide. The conversation was intentional and well-directed, and both positive and realistic. The topic for the evening was "fear". Despite my best efforts I cried quite a lot and couldn't get a word out. There was lots of back-patting and congratulations at being there which I found extremely difficult. They gave me a book. I read 50 pages of it on the train home and it's blowing my mind.

Scales says: 258

broken record

I was pretty starving all day (emotionally, I suppose, as I was well-fed) and thought about food rather a lot.

Breakfast: A boiled egg with a wholewheat seeded bagel. Tea.

Lunch: Fake pumpkin oats with peanut butter. More tea.

Snack I: Cold, hard boiled egg (leftover from breakfast - I couldn't manage two eggs at the time)

Snack II: 100g blueberries with 2 tablespoons of natural yoghurt and 1 square of 85% dark chocolate. Lemon and ginger tea.

Dinner: Sesame beef stir-fry. Broccoli, Chinese leaf, scallions and sugar snap peas, steam-fried, and tossed with noodles and soy sauce. This was kept warm while strips of lean beef were flash fried with sesame seeds, coated in a little honey and some more soy. I topped the noodles with the saucy beef mixture and devoured.

Wasted an hour preparing a black bean chilli from the BBC Good Food magazine for tomorrow's dinner, which tasted like beany barf. No thanks!

Tomorrow night I venture into the murky depths of "group therapy" at a food distress clinic. It might be a load of cock. But, it might not. Talking about it there might give my poor husband some relief...

somebody smash that doll's face in!

Thanks to Chris Moursler at http://chrislivessimple.blogspot.com ("A Deliberate Life") for her attempt at this spooky parable on binging.

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Chris. Chris often felt alone. Her mom worked alot, and she didn't have many friends at school. She loved books and drawing, but she didn't have anybody to talk to. Chris couldn't sleep at night and would often climb a tree out back to try to get closer to God. But sometimes even that didn't help.

One night after a bad day, Chris came out into the kitchen and saw a doll sitting on the counter. It looked nice. She picked it up and hugged it. The doll made her feel better. The doll made her feel less alone.

Chris couldn't take the doll to school with her. There were rules. Chris could only spend time with the doll after everyone was in bed. Sometimes she would sneak it into bed with her.

Chris grew up and joined the army. The army has no room for dolls, so Chris had to leave it home.

Then one day, Chris Got out of the army. She moved somewhere new, somewhere scary.

Somewhere she didn't know anybody. Not even herself.

One night after her first baby was born, Chris walked downstairs...and there was the doll...sitting there. Almost like it never left. Almost.

Chris began to take the doll everywhere.

It wasn't big at first...it was easy to stuff into a purse or in the bottom of a stroller...

As the years went on, the doll got bigger. Took up more room. Sometimes Chris would put that doll away, would stick it in the closet...or in storage. Once out of sight it would shrink a bit... But somehow, she would always go and pull it back out... Usually it was when Chris moved somewhere new...or when her husband would leave for months and she felt lonely.

It began to get between her and her husband.

Chris's parents worried. They thought "Can't Chris see how big that doll is getting...it's really dragging her down.' Chris knew what people were thinking...she tried to make jokes out of it...Chris knew it was getting too big to lug around. Too big to hide. Heck, every time she picked it up she got out of breath. She wanted to play with her kids...to run with them...to enjoy hikes with them. But whenever they went to the park, Chris brought the doll along.

They would say "Mom, come play."

Chris would say "I can't, I just can't..."

She couldn't just leave it. If she left that doll...what would she have? She didn't go out much...She didn't have many real friends. This doll was all she had. It had been her friend for years. It was her comfort when she was sad. It never criticized. It filled up a big empty hole. Sure it was getting harder to drag around. Sometimes she felt embarrassed to be seen with it. But she couldn't just leave it. She would try, and fail...

The doll would whisper "See, I will always be here..."

Chris was afraid. If she did set it aside, what would take it's place?

One time she was driving, and the weight of that doll caused her heart to start skipping...her heart skipped so much that Chris nearly passed out while driving her kids.

Chris looked at the doll and thought, "Maybe I should just get rid of you." She thought the doll said something...but no...Chris dropped that thought.

I have nothing else....Chris thought. "If I let it go, then I'll just have nothing. I'll be okay. The doll is my friend."

One day...while taking her youngest out for a day of fun (while dragging the doll along, of course). Chris glanced up. She looked in the mirror...looked at the doll she was lugging around. It whispered something so Chris leaned in a little closer...trying to read it's lips. It smiled and whispered..."I'm going to kill you."

Chris knew right then, that if she didn't set that doll down....it would kill her. So she did.

Once Chris set the doll down...It didn't go away. It hung around. It's not something you can just ditch. But Chris never forgot those words. No matter how lonely, or afraid, or frustrated...Chris didn't want to die. She wanted to live.

But before long....the doll got smaller...It got easier to manage. The doll will never go away. It will always be there. She will always have to keep it in mind when she wants to forget...when she wants to eat her pain...

pumpkin oats

Ok, I admit it! It's not pumpkin, it's butternut squash, because pumpkin is so hard to come by here, and canned pumpkin is something us pasty white Irish can only dream of.

I made myself a batch of squash puree to make delicious oats, which from hereon we shall refer to as "squashy oats", which sounds both disgusting and unintelligible, but which I assure you is delicious, filling and nutritious. I suppose it's a breakfast meal but I (the eternal rebel) made it for lunch.

To make the squash stash, peel, deseed and cube a squash. Steam it for 25 mins until tender (or boil if you prefer, although you'll lose some nutrients...I haven't tried roasting for making a puree and although this would make the squash caramelised and tasty, the evaporation would probably be a poor start to a puree although, really, I don't know). Place in the blender and, well, blend. Put in a tupperware box for storing in the fridge. A complete and utter moron who has never seen the inside of a kitchen before could complete this step without any pain and receive an A+.

To make squashy oats, add half a cup of oats to a saucepan with half a cup of milk, half a cup of water and as much squash puree as you fancy (I used two heaped tablespoons). Add half a teaspoon of mixed spice, or nutmeg and cinnamon, or a combination of your favourite sweet spices. Throw in a few raisins if you like (I did). Cook the whole lot together until thick and creamy. Taste before you decide whether or not to add a little brown sugar - the squash really is very sweet (I added one teaspoon). Top with whatever you fancy - some sliced nuts or nut butter, cranberries, blueberries...whatever you like (I topped mine with peanut butter). Eat, feel very full, and then think about your next meal for the following few hours.

Scrap that last bit, that's terrible advice.

And I take back the name "squashy oats". I think I associate the word squashy with rotten fruit. Let's go with "fake pumpkin oats". Aye, that'll do Snowy.

cheeseburger please do not get angry

pizza deficiency

Today there was a lot less internal tantrumming, but the low-level whine persisted for a couple of hours following lunch. It eased off when I visited my friend in the hospital because he was in such physical agony that the bitch got drowned out for an hour or two. Breakfast was 200g of pleading prayer with a seeded wholewheat bagel with ham and cheese, and tea (of course); lunch was (not my choice) two slices of pepperoni pizza and (obviously I could have avoided the following- ) a spoonful of ice-cream (at least it was a teaspoon and not some kind of canoe-paddle); dinner (again, not within my control) was spinach lasagna with salad and a slice of tomato bread. No snacks. It'll be a relief to prepare my own meals again tomorrow.

Two slices of pizza was completely and utterly not enough food for lunch by the way. It's now almost bedtime and I'm feeling a little peckish. I guess I'll go fill up on a delicious glass of water, mmm! I'm excited just thinking about it! Yum yum!

where did she come from?

Yesterday between 2pm and 6pm there was a screaming toddler inside of me throwing a tantrum demanding food. At first I was a firm parent. "You've had your lunch. The answer is no." When the screaming continued, preventing me from getting through the tasks at hand, I prepared some carrot sticks and peanut butter. That shut her up for about five minutes before the screaming started again. I crept to the fridge and took out half a slice of cheese. Then she sort of just whined until dinner. I wanted to spank her, but that's not socially acceptable anymore.

Scale says: 258.

having done the research

Hello waifs.

Our survey says: you're very fat. And by you I mean me. And by me I mean, well, me. And if I don't get stoned to death by the anti-fat brigade one of these days, I'll end up dead from heart disease.

For that reason, and for many other reasons, I really, really don't want to be fat anymore. But even more than not wanting to be the blimpy Christian, I don't want to be obsessed with food anymore.

I don't know how this is going to work out...it's always failed before. But here I am: fat and naked before you like a pervert's dream. Well, not naked. Fully clothed in fact, and with a blanket and extra socks (it's cold). But emotionally naked. This blog is anonymous but this week I sent an email to my close friends to reveal to them my obsessive overeating and to (gasp) tell them my weight, which was 263lbs at last count.

If you could get money from the government just for being fat I'd be moderately rich, depending on how much you'd get per pound. Sadly however in this tyrannical society in which we live, this is not the case. But nothing can stop me from dreaming big (except cheeseburgers). And by big I mean small. And by small I mean...ah you get it.