death to the old self

Yesterday was the worst, darkest, most tormented, loneliest day I've had since starting on this journey. Some days the urge to binge just strikes and takes a strangling hold of me. My surroundings suddenly fade to grey and I can't see anything beautiful, in me or anyone or anything. All I can hear is screaming in my head. I felt angry about not having anyone to talk to, but couldn't bring myself to ask anyone to talk because, no matter how much I am loved, most people in my life simply do not understand ED. Understandable, seeing as they haven't got it. I became panicked about the normal planning of meals and going outdoors, because I didn't trust myself not to buy junk food secretly and eat all of it. I am desperately afraid of binging. I don't mean that in the abstract: I actually have fear in my heart at the prospect of having a binge. Ironically, I'm simultaneously filled with fear about never binging again, as binging has definitely served a clear purpose in my life, getting me through very difficult times.

My stress levels were through the roof. I choked down about half of my dinner and then left for Group Therapy. I need to take two trains to get to the clinic - all in all it takes about an hour. While I was waiting on the platform for my connecting train, I was hit with the stabbing pain in my intestines that indicates a bout of IBS. This was of course stress-induced. I needed to to use a bathroom, but in order to find one, I'd have to miss my connecting train to the clinic. So that's what I had to do.

By the time the pain and waves of nausea had passed, I had long missed my train and the next one would have meant arriving 45 minutes late to the group, which is simply not fair on the others. I felt desolate. I thought about buying sweets and crisps to cheer myself up; I thought about getting a latte and a pastry. I actually stood and looked at the contents of a vending machine for a few minutes. I eventually got back on the train, went home, and curled up on the bed at 9pm, and just read.

When the husband unit got back from work, he joined me, reading too. At about midnight I finally started talking to him and it helped. He is reading the book my therapist wrote, "Hope" but more than that, he is listening carefully and without judgment when I try to discuss the ED. He was so compassionate and understanding and helpful that I felt much calmer going to sleep. I did take a pill to help me sleep though...I've had several sleepless nights and I couldn't take another one, with eight solid hours of thoughts of food pounding in my brain.

I woke this morning and, as before, the cloud had lifted. I have spent the morning reflecting, journalling and praying and reading some posts on the website that my therapy group share, for some positive encouragement.

Food today:

Breakfast: Cinnamon and raisin bagel with peanut butter and half a banana.

Lunch: Scrambled eggs and a wholewheat pitta. Watermelon.

Dinner: Spicy sausage in a tomato sauce with onions, garlic, mushrooms and red peppers, with spaghetti.