death to the old self

Yesterday was the worst, darkest, most tormented, loneliest day I've had since starting on this journey. Some days the urge to binge just strikes and takes a strangling hold of me. My surroundings suddenly fade to grey and I can't see anything beautiful, in me or anyone or anything. All I can hear is screaming in my head. I felt angry about not having anyone to talk to, but couldn't bring myself to ask anyone to talk because, no matter how much I am loved, most people in my life simply do not understand ED. Understandable, seeing as they haven't got it. I became panicked about the normal planning of meals and going outdoors, because I didn't trust myself not to buy junk food secretly and eat all of it. I am desperately afraid of binging. I don't mean that in the abstract: I actually have fear in my heart at the prospect of having a binge. Ironically, I'm simultaneously filled with fear about never binging again, as binging has definitely served a clear purpose in my life, getting me through very difficult times.

My stress levels were through the roof. I choked down about half of my dinner and then left for Group Therapy. I need to take two trains to get to the clinic - all in all it takes about an hour. While I was waiting on the platform for my connecting train, I was hit with the stabbing pain in my intestines that indicates a bout of IBS. This was of course stress-induced. I needed to to use a bathroom, but in order to find one, I'd have to miss my connecting train to the clinic. So that's what I had to do.

By the time the pain and waves of nausea had passed, I had long missed my train and the next one would have meant arriving 45 minutes late to the group, which is simply not fair on the others. I felt desolate. I thought about buying sweets and crisps to cheer myself up; I thought about getting a latte and a pastry. I actually stood and looked at the contents of a vending machine for a few minutes. I eventually got back on the train, went home, and curled up on the bed at 9pm, and just read.

When the husband unit got back from work, he joined me, reading too. At about midnight I finally started talking to him and it helped. He is reading the book my therapist wrote, "Hope" but more than that, he is listening carefully and without judgment when I try to discuss the ED. He was so compassionate and understanding and helpful that I felt much calmer going to sleep. I did take a pill to help me sleep though...I've had several sleepless nights and I couldn't take another one, with eight solid hours of thoughts of food pounding in my brain.

I woke this morning and, as before, the cloud had lifted. I have spent the morning reflecting, journalling and praying and reading some posts on the website that my therapy group share, for some positive encouragement.

Food today:

Breakfast: Cinnamon and raisin bagel with peanut butter and half a banana.

Lunch: Scrambled eggs and a wholewheat pitta. Watermelon.

Dinner: Spicy sausage in a tomato sauce with onions, garlic, mushrooms and red peppers, with spaghetti.

untitled

I am hunger.

All day. I feel bad, and freezing cold. I'm glad I have group therapy to look forward to tonight. (Bizarre eh?)

Breakfast: 2 pumpkin muffins, toasted, with a little jam and peanut butter.

Lunch: Wholewheat pitta with cheese and a little coleslaw and a large mixed salad, with lots of beetroot.

Snack: Half a cup of low fat milk, 2 chunks of watermelon.

Dinner: Roast chicken, gravy, potatoes, carrots and broccoli.

I forgot to add yesterday that I ate a square of dark chocolate with tea after lunch. Not that it matters...but just for the sake of full disclosure.

I hope this feeling passes.

food recap

Breakfast: Cinnamon and raisin bagel with peanut butter and half a banana.

Snack: A few raisins while baking...and then I had to sample a muffin. It would have been wrong not to! :)

Lunch: Small wholemeal pitta bread with ham, light cheddar, a hard boiled egg, beetroot, mixed leaves, peppers and 1 spoonful of coleslaw. 2 slices of melon.

Snack: 5 grapes

Dinner: Baked chicken breast with a pesto stuffing (breadcrumbs, basil pesto, parmesan cheese) with sauteed broccoli, yellow and orange peppers and cashew nuts, dressed with soy and a little maple syrup.

pumpkin muffins

Well, once again, it's not pumpkin, it's pureed butternut squash, because you can't get pumpkin in Ireland at this time of year. These are bready breakfast-style muffins rather than treats.

This recipe makes 12. Approx 125 kcals per muffin.

I recommend using non-stick baking parchment in the muffin trays rather than the muffin paper cases shown above, as due to the lack of fat in these, they do tend to stick to the muffin paper. You'll need a set of American measuring cups to make these...they used to be hard to come by, but now you can buy a set in any Tesco.

These are my own creation! And tasty too if I may say so.

(wet)

1/2 cup of brown sugar (well, this ain't wet, but it goes in with the wet stuff!)

1/8 cup of soft butter

1 egg

1/2 cup of low-fat milk, and an extra splash

1/2 cup butternut squash puree (or pumpkin, obviously)

(dry)

1 cup of wholewheat flour

1/2 cup of plain flour

1/4 cup of porridge oats

1/4 cup of raisins

2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp cinnamon

1/4 tsp salt

1. Preheat oven to 190 Celsius and line your muffin trays with squares of non-stick baking parchment.

2. Beat the butter and sugar together with a wooden spoon until light and fluffy. Add the egg, milk and butternut squash and whisk well.

3. Sieve your flours together in a large bowl and add all of the other dry ingredients. Stir.

4. Add the wet ingredients to the dry and mix until you have a batter.

5. Fill the 12 muffin cases and bake for 20-25 minutes until risen, golden and when pricked with a knife, it comes out clean.

6. Eat!

sun-day

Breakfast: Granola and natural yoghurt.

Lunch (BBQ): 1 burger in a bun with cheese, lettuce and onions, 1 regular sausage on a slice of French bread with onions and ketchup, 1 Bratwurst sausage on 2 slices of French bread with ketchup, half of a marinated pork kebab, 1 glass of 7-up.

Evening: 2 bites of banana and a handful of grapes.

It was another beautiful day; not quite as sunny but beautiful, warm and dry nonetheless. I cycled everywhere. I'm still crapping myself (not literally you understand), and my arse hurts a lot, but I'm enjoying it.

The husband unit and I ate a small breakfast at 9am. Lunch was at 2pm, and I was absolutely ravenous. I ate far too much and spent the afternoon feeling ill, bloated and regretful.

I struggle to write in-depth here about the emotional battles of ED. I don't even know if I can do it now. But I decided today, while having a late afternoon "nap" that I would use the BBQ as a learning experience. When I am very hungry, I should eat one thing and pause for ten minutes. If I find I am still hungry, I can eat a serving of something else. I do not need to leap in and grab as much as possible as fast as possible. What I did today was not emotional eating, it was habitual. I stuffed myself because I was extremely hungry, and did not listen to the signals of my body telling me that it had had enough, long before I stopped eating. As a result I felt ill and worse, regretful. Every incidence of over-eating acts like a trigger for me.

Anyway, new dawn new day and all that.

cyclelogical

So we took our freshly serviced as-yet-unridden bicycles from the shed on this gloriously sunny day and set off for Kevin's sister's house. We quickly realised that my tyres were completely flat. This is very angering, because I paid €25 to a guy to service the whole bike which includes, you know, putting air in the tyres and basically...nothing else. Grr! I'm going down there on Monday to fight with them for handing my bike back to me, charging me buttloads of cash and doing absolutely nothing to it. I demand a recount. I mean refund.

After a lot of effort, we figured out how to pump up the tyres. The difficulty is that it is a vintage bike and doesn't have standard fittings. The husband unit was stellar. After 30 minutes of frustration, we were finally ready to go.

I cannot emphasise enough how nerve-wracking it is at 247lbs and having not been on a bicycle for 15 years to get out into traffic, but I did it. It was a little wobbly and my steering was terrible, but we got there. Also my shoes kept threatening to come off. In the moments where my little heart wasn't still with terror, I even quite enjoyed it. The sun, the freedom, the wind whipping in my hair...I think I'm going to enjoy this! We're planning another short adventure tomorrow to church.

For lunch I ate: 1 slice of ham, 1 slice of turkey, 1 tablespoon of some kind of Greek chicken dish, 1 chicken nugget, 1 slice of garlic bread and 2 tablespoons of tomatoey pasta. No vegetables! There was a green salad but it was literally drenched in dressing, and I like my dressings sparse. For dessert I went for the lightest option - pavlova (for the non-Europeans, that's meringue with cream and fruit). In this case, there was no fruit on top, but lemon curd and almonds instead. It was extremely sweet and I didn't really enjoy it, but I kept eating. I don't even know why. I also had a slice of Malteaser cake - 1/16th of the whole thing. This was also too sweet and dense. I am losing my sweet tooth!

For dinner we went as planned to a new Mexican place. I think it was a chain restaurant actually - Cactus Jacks? It was good. I wasn't too hungry so I just had a starter of tortilla chips with chilli, salsa and sour cream. It was delicious, but I only managed half of it.

bed nw slepy asdb

fall schmall

Ta an ghrian ag taitneamh go hard sa spéir inniú! The sun is shining brightly in the sky today. We're planning to bike over to my husband's sister's house for her daughter's birthday party today. It's not far, but I haven't been on a bike in 15 years, and the chances of falling on my face repeatedly are very high indeed.

I'm looking forward to it though. A friend bequeathed her bicycle to me when she left the country recently. I had it serviced and the saddle replaced. It's a girl's dream...basket, ribbons, a bell... never what I would have gone for but it is so pretty. I plan to attach square wheels and cycle over mountains at sunset to the amazement of villagers below.

Planned food:

Late breakfast: Cinnamon and raisin bagel, with some peanut butter and a sliced banana.

Lunch: Party-food...knowing my sister-in-law, there'll be two feasts; one for the littlers and one for us. Ours will probably be something very lavish and exotic, and lots of it, as well as mounds of rice and salads, and ten kinds of desserts. She doesn't do things by halves.

Dinner: Date-night. We're going out. To do what has not yet been decided, but we're thinking of going to one of the new Mexican restaurants in the Italian quarter in town. I'll try not to feel too guilty for abandoning our usual Mexican haunt, where we have been eating for twelve glorious years. ¡Ay, caramba!

So, it's mostly variables. I'm going to enjoy whatever I have, and just try to watch my portion sizes.