fat, but good enough

It's been a nice day so far; coffee and walks with friends; lunch at a good restaurant. Yesterday was a little bleak: although the urge to binge was not a big problem, I found myself feeling extremely low, and even angry, about the weight that I am currently at. I caught a glimpse of myself in an "honest" mirror (i.e. one where I have not already composed my features and am facing it head-on) and got a load of the misshapen body which at my age, should be in great condition.

Over the last number of years I have come a long way in accepting myself, and also seeing myself as more than simply an unsolvable weight problem. Generally, I like myself well enough. Yesterday though, harked back to some of my darker days when I genuinely felt like the world's ugliest woman. It was the first day of its kind in this process.

I got through it (a) with the unfailing support and kindness of the husband unit and (b) by contradicting my own negative thinking at every turn. I also napped, which always seems to help me. :)

Today, all seems brighter. I am on a journey: I can do no more than this. I have reached this point before (or something similar to this point) where I have had some success with weight loss or whatever, and then gotten a "glimpse" of myself somewhere, usually in a photograph (oh the pain that photographs have caused me). This would fill me with such despair that I would eat and eat in order to squash the feeling down. Not this time though. In fact, and this is a big deal, my impulse was not to binge at all, but to talk it out. Which I did.

Breakfast: Cinnamon raisin bagel with half a banana and peanut butter.

Lunch (out): A Caesar wrap, and a handful of my husband's fries.

Snack: 1 square dark chocolate.

Dinner: Salmon fishcake with green salad dressed with chilli and lime, and crushed baby potatoes with lemon, parsley and a little butter.

fail numero uno

Well, I had my first round of emotional eating last night for the first time in over 7 weeks. Thankfully it didn't reach binge status, but I wasn't physically hungry at all (I had eaten my dinner), and was definitely looking to fill an emotional gap left by arguments, tiredness and the ED.

I was helping out at youth group where there was an array of treats. This included apples, melon (these laid out especially for me!), popcorn, Jaffa Cakes (these are like little soft chocolate-orange cookies), jellies and cashew nuts.

I completely ignored the fruit. I ate about five jellies, 2 Jaffa Cakes, a handful of popcorn, a handful of cashew nuts and 2, yes 2, cups of hot chocolate (it was the instant variety, made with hot water). I don't think I've ever actually had more than one cup of hot chocolate in a sitting before. The hot chocolate was so sweet and warm and filling...I immediately felt peaceful after drinking it. That is the clear, clear sign of emotional eating - having your emotions soothed by what you've just consumed.

I guess as failures go, I failed reasonably well. I am determined to do my best not to repeat this. It isn't as though I ingested a lot of calories; I probably broke even for the day. But I had no intention of eating, and then I found myself compulsively, mindlessly putting the food in my mouth. I was also reminded how good it feels to emotionally eat, which is totally destructive to my goals. Why is this process so complicated?

Eats today:

Brunch: Banana oats with cinnamon, raisins and peanut butter. 1 boiled egg with two slices of granary toast.
Dinner: Probably yesterday's leftovers - pasta bolognese.
Snacks: I'm packing some fruit as we head out possibly to the cinema and for some walking around the city. I may also have a soy latte while we're at it.

Here's to a brighter, better week.

sunday blues

Today has been challenging.

Breakfast: 1 wholewheat pitta with 2 tsp of peanut butter and half a banana.
Lunch: Pastrami, rocket and cream cheese dressing on sunflower-honey bread.
Dinner: Spaghetti bolognese with beef, tomatoes, onions, mushrooms and red peppers with 40g pasta.

Lunch was completely unsatisfying. I've been trying lately to not make bread the centre of any meal. I do eat (and enjoy) my carbohydrates, but I prefer them to be an add-on to my lunches and dinners rather than the main element. I like my meat and fish and vegetables to be central, and the bread/poatoes/pasta to be sides. The sandwich was eaten at a roadside cafe (an unusually beautiful cafe full of hand-hewn wood furniture and open log fires) and it was mainly bread. The fillings were pretty minimal (1 slice of pastrami, a few leaves, a drizzle of cream cheese dressing), and I was still hungry when it was finished. I felt very irritable and distracted. I really wanted sugar to go with it...chocolate, Coke, anything. I find that white bread sometimes has this effect on me. But I was craving salty snacks too. I was so unsatisfied that the urge to binge started to rise with strength in me. I felt very angry all the way home. I took a nap and this helped to overcome it somewhat, although this definitely continues to be a difficult day in terms of food. I have eaten my dinner and already I want to have other things to eat. :(

The weather is also atrocious. I never used to find the bad Irish weather a problem. Why? Because I would make myself a hot chocolate and have a few biscuits (that's cookies to the US readers) with it, or some buttery toast and marmalade, tucked under a blanket. Food was my comfort for every last inconvenience. Now I can just have the blanket but for the most part need to forgo the biscuits and snacks. For someone who has used food as an emotional crutch since they were a child, this is very stressful.

Not much "funny" in this blog lately.

death to the old self

Yesterday was the worst, darkest, most tormented, loneliest day I've had since starting on this journey. Some days the urge to binge just strikes and takes a strangling hold of me. My surroundings suddenly fade to grey and I can't see anything beautiful, in me or anyone or anything. All I can hear is screaming in my head. I felt angry about not having anyone to talk to, but couldn't bring myself to ask anyone to talk because, no matter how much I am loved, most people in my life simply do not understand ED. Understandable, seeing as they haven't got it. I became panicked about the normal planning of meals and going outdoors, because I didn't trust myself not to buy junk food secretly and eat all of it. I am desperately afraid of binging. I don't mean that in the abstract: I actually have fear in my heart at the prospect of having a binge. Ironically, I'm simultaneously filled with fear about never binging again, as binging has definitely served a clear purpose in my life, getting me through very difficult times.

My stress levels were through the roof. I choked down about half of my dinner and then left for Group Therapy. I need to take two trains to get to the clinic - all in all it takes about an hour. While I was waiting on the platform for my connecting train, I was hit with the stabbing pain in my intestines that indicates a bout of IBS. This was of course stress-induced. I needed to to use a bathroom, but in order to find one, I'd have to miss my connecting train to the clinic. So that's what I had to do.

By the time the pain and waves of nausea had passed, I had long missed my train and the next one would have meant arriving 45 minutes late to the group, which is simply not fair on the others. I felt desolate. I thought about buying sweets and crisps to cheer myself up; I thought about getting a latte and a pastry. I actually stood and looked at the contents of a vending machine for a few minutes. I eventually got back on the train, went home, and curled up on the bed at 9pm, and just read.

When the husband unit got back from work, he joined me, reading too. At about midnight I finally started talking to him and it helped. He is reading the book my therapist wrote, "Hope" but more than that, he is listening carefully and without judgment when I try to discuss the ED. He was so compassionate and understanding and helpful that I felt much calmer going to sleep. I did take a pill to help me sleep though...I've had several sleepless nights and I couldn't take another one, with eight solid hours of thoughts of food pounding in my brain.

I woke this morning and, as before, the cloud had lifted. I have spent the morning reflecting, journalling and praying and reading some posts on the website that my therapy group share, for some positive encouragement.

Food today:

Breakfast: Cinnamon and raisin bagel with peanut butter and half a banana.

Lunch: Scrambled eggs and a wholewheat pitta. Watermelon.

Dinner: Spicy sausage in a tomato sauce with onions, garlic, mushrooms and red peppers, with spaghetti.

untitled

I am hunger.

All day. I feel bad, and freezing cold. I'm glad I have group therapy to look forward to tonight. (Bizarre eh?)

Breakfast: 2 pumpkin muffins, toasted, with a little jam and peanut butter.

Lunch: Wholewheat pitta with cheese and a little coleslaw and a large mixed salad, with lots of beetroot.

Snack: Half a cup of low fat milk, 2 chunks of watermelon.

Dinner: Roast chicken, gravy, potatoes, carrots and broccoli.

I forgot to add yesterday that I ate a square of dark chocolate with tea after lunch. Not that it matters...but just for the sake of full disclosure.

I hope this feeling passes.