death to the old self

Yesterday was the worst, darkest, most tormented, loneliest day I've had since starting on this journey. Some days the urge to binge just strikes and takes a strangling hold of me. My surroundings suddenly fade to grey and I can't see anything beautiful, in me or anyone or anything. All I can hear is screaming in my head. I felt angry about not having anyone to talk to, but couldn't bring myself to ask anyone to talk because, no matter how much I am loved, most people in my life simply do not understand ED. Understandable, seeing as they haven't got it. I became panicked about the normal planning of meals and going outdoors, because I didn't trust myself not to buy junk food secretly and eat all of it. I am desperately afraid of binging. I don't mean that in the abstract: I actually have fear in my heart at the prospect of having a binge. Ironically, I'm simultaneously filled with fear about never binging again, as binging has definitely served a clear purpose in my life, getting me through very difficult times.

My stress levels were through the roof. I choked down about half of my dinner and then left for Group Therapy. I need to take two trains to get to the clinic - all in all it takes about an hour. While I was waiting on the platform for my connecting train, I was hit with the stabbing pain in my intestines that indicates a bout of IBS. This was of course stress-induced. I needed to to use a bathroom, but in order to find one, I'd have to miss my connecting train to the clinic. So that's what I had to do.

By the time the pain and waves of nausea had passed, I had long missed my train and the next one would have meant arriving 45 minutes late to the group, which is simply not fair on the others. I felt desolate. I thought about buying sweets and crisps to cheer myself up; I thought about getting a latte and a pastry. I actually stood and looked at the contents of a vending machine for a few minutes. I eventually got back on the train, went home, and curled up on the bed at 9pm, and just read.

When the husband unit got back from work, he joined me, reading too. At about midnight I finally started talking to him and it helped. He is reading the book my therapist wrote, "Hope" but more than that, he is listening carefully and without judgment when I try to discuss the ED. He was so compassionate and understanding and helpful that I felt much calmer going to sleep. I did take a pill to help me sleep though...I've had several sleepless nights and I couldn't take another one, with eight solid hours of thoughts of food pounding in my brain.

I woke this morning and, as before, the cloud had lifted. I have spent the morning reflecting, journalling and praying and reading some posts on the website that my therapy group share, for some positive encouragement.

Food today:

Breakfast: Cinnamon and raisin bagel with peanut butter and half a banana.

Lunch: Scrambled eggs and a wholewheat pitta. Watermelon.

Dinner: Spicy sausage in a tomato sauce with onions, garlic, mushrooms and red peppers, with spaghetti.

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I am hunger.

All day. I feel bad, and freezing cold. I'm glad I have group therapy to look forward to tonight. (Bizarre eh?)

Breakfast: 2 pumpkin muffins, toasted, with a little jam and peanut butter.

Lunch: Wholewheat pitta with cheese and a little coleslaw and a large mixed salad, with lots of beetroot.

Snack: Half a cup of low fat milk, 2 chunks of watermelon.

Dinner: Roast chicken, gravy, potatoes, carrots and broccoli.

I forgot to add yesterday that I ate a square of dark chocolate with tea after lunch. Not that it matters...but just for the sake of full disclosure.

I hope this feeling passes.

shitstorm in a teacup (by teacup, I mean me)

Breakfast: 1 slice rye bread, toasted, with 2 tsp of peanut butter and a banana.

Lunch: Half a bowl of leek and potato soup, and most of a ham and cheese panini (same restaurant as yesterday).

Snack: Snack-a-Jacks (a 25g pack of rice and corn snacks...they're like mini-rice cakes).

Dinner: Two field mushrooms, stuffed with goat cheese and baked, atop a mixed leaf salad dressed with a home-made cranberry and balsamic vinaigrette, and some home-made potato wedges.

Exercise: None.

Emotionally today has been a complete and utter nightmare from start to finish. I am calming down now, but I have spent the whole day with an overwhelming and all-consuming urge to binge. Everything around me suddenly became grey and bleak. I tried to think things through rationally, I talked it over with my husband, I ranted, raved and even cried at one point. As my dad might say, I was like a bear with a sore head. I took a nap. I went for a drive. I argued with myself. I am thoroughly exhausted at the end of it all. It has truly been terrible. Whenever I've approached this place in the past, I've calmed the screaming within by stuffing it down with excesses of food. Not so today and fucking hell did it hurt!

On days like today I am reminded why I go to group therapy at an eating distress clinic. Sometimes, I feel like I shouldn't be there. Today, I would have given my right arm to speak to Marie (therapist). The husband unit was almost as good though...he said the thing that I most needed to hear to start simmering down out of this insane, internal tantrum. "You know, giving in to the ED will feel good for a moment, but ultimately, it will kill you."

He's right. Shit fuck fuck!